2017 Golden Jorge Awards

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the second-annual GOLDEN JORGE AWARDS, an ignorant and desultory look back at the year’s highs and lows in the world of entertainment and… other stuff. Much like last year, there is much to discuss.

2017 was weird. Somehow the world managed to go even more batshit crazy, men have experienced a year-long reckoning regarding the true extent of our grossness, and we now live under a renewed fear of nuclear disaster. Oh, and we’ve had a lot of good music and movies.

TOP 20 FILMS OF THE YEAR:
01. It
02. Sicilian Ghost Story
03. The Shape of Water
04. Brawl in Cell Block 99
05. Logan
06. Thelma
07. The Disaster Artist
08. Get Out
09. The Villainess
10. Let the Corpses Tan
11. Les gardiennes
12. Lady Bird
13. The Florida Project
14. Lowlife
15. Ingrid Goes West
16. Gerald’s Game
17. Star Wars: The Last Jedi
18. How to Talk to Girls at Parties
19. Wind River
20. Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, MO

MOST DISTURBING FACT ABOUT MY TOP 20 FILMS LIST THAT WE COULD PROBABLY UNPACK BUT LET’S NOT:
That my top 2 films of the year are centered around horrible things happening to young children

BEST FILM THAT WAS TECHNICALLY RELEASED IN 2016 BUT CAME OUT IN MOST TERRITORIES IN 2017 AND MANAGED TO BE A SUPER INTERESTING EXPLORATION OF THE THEMES OF ABUSE & MENTAL ILLNESS WHILE ALSO DELIVERING VISCERAL PULPY THRILLS AND I’D PROBABLY PUT AROUND #11 OR #12 OF MY LIST IF IT HAD TECHNICALLY COME OUT IN 2017:
Split

TOP 2 EMPTIEST, MOST THEMATICALLY BARREN FILMS OF 2017 THAT SAID NOTHING AND MEANT NOTHING YET EVERYONE LOVED FOR SOME REASON:
Dunkirk
Thor: Ragnarok

MOST DEPRESSING VISUAL EFFECT OF 2017, BOTH IN ITS ACTUAL EXECUTION AND, IN A LARGER SENSE, WHAT IT REPRESENTS IN TERMS OF PROFIT-DRIVEN STUDIO MEDDLING PRIORITIZING TONAL HOMOGENEITY OVER ARTISTIC EXPRESSION:
Henry Cavill’s weird upper lip in Justice League

TOP 20 ALBUMS OF 2017:
01. Fabian Almazan – Alcanza
02. Kendrick Lamar – DAMN.
03. Natalia Lafourcade – Musas
04. Linda May Han Oh – Walk Against Wind
05. Perfume Genius – No Shape
06. Kamasi Washington – Harmony of Difference
07. Charly Bliss- Guppy
08. Quantum Trio – Duality
09. Japanese Breakfast – Soft Sounds from Another Planet
10. Björk – Utopia
11. St. Vincent – MASSEDUCTION
12. Julien Baker – Turn Out the Lights
13. Beck – Colors
14. George Colligan – More Powerful
15. Amor Elefante – Oriente
16. Protomartyr – Relatives in Descent
17. Waxahatchee – Out in the Storm
18. Emily And – Sunshine, Doubt, and the Water Spout
19. Logic – Everybody
20. Bill Frisell and Thomas Morgan – Small Town

BEST POP SINGLE OF THE YEAR:
Selena Gomez – “Bad Liar”

MOST DISAPPOINTING HEEL TURN OF THE YEAR:
Taylor Swift

MOST ANNOYING MUSICIAN WHOSE MUSIC I SERIOUSLY LOVE BUT I WISH WOULD JUST SHUT UP ALREADY… OF THE YEAR:
Morrissey

MOST ANNOYING MUSICIAN WHOSE MUSIC IS BAD AND I ALSO WISH WOULD JUST SHUT UP ALREADY… OF THE YEAR:
Father John Misty

FIRST ANNUAL “DEAR GOD THEY’RE STILL AROUND? WHY ARE THEY STILL AROUND?” AWARD FOR IRRELEVANT ROCKERS MAKING BORING ROCK MUSIC OF 2017:
Foo Fighters

TOP FIVE FAVORITE SEASONS OF TELEVISION OF THE YEAR:
1. Better Call Saul season 3
2. Lady Dynamite season 2
3. Bojack Horseman season 4
4. I dunno, Twin Peaks probably? I didn’t watch it
5. I didn’t watch a lot of television this year

MOST THOROUGHLY DEBUNKED BELIEF OF THE YEAR:
That when faced with mounting evidence of a real cultural problem regarding socialized and normalized abusive behaviors and a climate of harassment and inherently problematic power dynamics, men are able to turn inwards and examine our own histories and attitudes with honesty and humility instead of lashing out defensively like petulant pissbabies

MOST DISHEARTENING FACT OF 2017:
The most powerful man in the world is still a literal supervillain

FAVORITE LIGHTWEIGHT CULTURAL DEBATE OF THE YEAR:
Elsagate. Look it up, it’s real weird.

LEAST FAVORITE LIGHTWEIGHT CULTURAL DEBATE OF THE YEAR:
Fidget spinners. Are they good? Are they bad? What ARE they? What do they DO? Who gives a shit?!

FAVORITE WEIRD MEME OF THE YEAR:
Steamed Hams

BEST MONTH OF THE YEAR:
December for suuuuuure

FAVORITE SONGS OF THE YEAR:
Oh God there were so many! Here’s a playlist!

Congratulations to all the winners.
To everyone else, there’s always next year.

As for me: on a personal + professional level, 2017 was pretty incredible, especially when compared to the year-long garbage fire of 2016. I made a lot of friends, traveled a good amount, and embarked on a number of stupid, stupid adventures. 2018 is going to be a year of increased output, taking more chances, taking better care of this stupid aging body of mine, and worrying less. Let’s do this.

 

One thought on “2017 Golden Jorge Awards

Reply! Do it!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s